Conflict Avoidance in Relationships - What is it?
Conflict avoidance is a behaviour where individuals steer clear of confrontation, disagreement, or difficult conversations. It’s natural to want to maintain peace and avoid discomfort, but avoiding conflict can lead to unintended consequences in your relationship.
So, how do you know if you're avoiding conflict?
Let's break down some of the key characteristics often displayed by someone who struggles to communicate openly about their preferences.
Firstly, you agree with everyone on the surface, even when you don’t truly agree.
You might say yes to plans or requests that you don’t support, just to keep the peace.
This can lead to resentment and frustration down the line.
Secondly, you tend to withdraw rather than address a concern.
If you withdraw emotionally instead of talking about your concerns, your partner may feel isolated and unsure of where they stand with you.
Physical withdrawal, rather than remaining and engaging, leaves the concerns unresolved. Delaying an issue rarely makes it disappear. Rather, it can add relationship disconnect and mistrust to the pre-existing issue.
Thirdly, you minimize concerns or refuse to acknowledge problems.
Does this sound like you? You might brush off significant issues as minor or hope they'll resolve themselves.
Fourthly, you avoid difficult conversations. When something bothers you, rather than addressing it, you choose to stay silent. Silence is a form of communication. This silence can create a disconnect in your relationship.
If you see yourself in these behaviours, it’s important to realize that avoiding conflict doesn't eliminate the problem; it only delays the inevitable.
The Psychology Behind Conflict Avoidance
Avoiding conflict can seem like a way to keep the peace in a relationship, but it often causes more harm than good. Conflict avoidance can create a cycle of resentment. Unaddressed issues may lead to passive-aggressive behavior or emotional withdrawal, causing breakdowns in communication and increasing emotional distance in the relationship.
Why is Conflict Avoidance in Relationships a Problem?
Unresolved conflicts don’t disappear—they tend to resurface in other ways, often as anger or resentment, passive-aggressive behaviour, irritability, sulking or subtle sabotage (e.g., small acts of resistance such as“forgetting” something important as a means of indirectly expressing displeasure). This can lead to a toxic cycle, damaging the emotional connection between partners.
A Path Toward Improving Relationships
A key to overcoming conflict avoidance is shifting the perspective: not every disagreement is a “conflict.” Viewing discussions as opportunities for growth rather than battles to win can help you engage more openly.
Practice in Low-Stakes Situations: Start by practicing in non-high-stakes environments. For example, if a partner expresses a preference you disagree with, share your thoughts respectfully. This builds confidence for addressing more significant issues.
Examine the Root Cause: Reflect on why you avoid certain topics. Is it influenced by your upbringing? Is it specific to certain relationships? Understanding the reasons behind avoidance is crucial to overcoming it.
Engage with Intention: Include your partner in your growth. Discuss the fact that you are working to be more open. Preface a conversation about an issue with, “This is difficult for me to address. Can you please try not to react with strong emotions?”
By practicing emotional awareness and beginning with minor differences, you can break the cycle of avoidance and engage in more fulfilling interactions.
Recognizing the signs is the first step towards healthier communication in your relationships. Consider seeking support from a professional counsellor who can help you develop better communication strategies. By addressing issues head-on, you can build a stronger, more resilient relationship.
Differences are a natural part of any relationship. It's how you handle them that defines the health and longevity of your relationships.
*cover photo by Noah Silliman on Unsplash
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