Can Broken Trust be Restored in a Relationship?

Gord Falk, M.A.C.Psychology, C.C.C.
Dec 21, 2024
5 min read

Updated: Jun 11, 2025

torn paper heart representing broken trust in a relationship

"I don't trust you anymore."

Whether the words are spoken aloud or carried in the heart of one of the partners, broken trust is a challenge from which couples need to recover in order to have a healthy relationship.

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transcript (without graphics)

The Cost of Broken Trust

When trust is broken, both partners in a romantic relationship suffer.

The relationship itself also suffers - sometimes to the point of breaking.

“I don’t trust you anymore.”

Whether the words are spoken aloud or carried in the heart of one of the partners, broken trust is a challenge from which couples need to recover in order to have a healthy relationship.

So, the question is… is there hope for renewal when trust has been broken?

Before we attempt to answer that question, let’s look at some of the many ways trust is damaged in relationships.

Trust is damaged by not keeping your word

Do you come home when you say you will?

Do you do what you say you will do?

Do you do things when you say you will do them?

Have you stopped doing the things you say you no longer do?

There are many reasons you might not keep your word such as:

substance abuse
conflict avoidance
poor self-discipline
a need for better boundaries with others who may be imposing their interests on you
blatant disregard for others
habit of lying
forgetfulness

These are not excuses. They are reasons - each of which may involve many layers and ought to be addressed.

If your partner cannot trust your word - you are diminishing their capacity to trust you.

Trust is damaged by unsafe behaviour

Unsafe behaviour takes many forms. Some examples include:

lack of fiscal responsibility
impulsive or erratic behaviour
volatile emotions
substance abuse
reckless driving
inattentive care of children
high-risk behaviour, without appropriate precautions in place

Trust is damaged by infidelity

The boundaries for what is considered infidelity vary from person to person. In some relationships, the partners each have a different idea of where the lines are for “cheating” or infidelity. Those differences need to be brought out into the open and resolved.

Infidelity can encompass the following:

flirting
an emotionally intimate friendship with someone other than your partner, with whom it may appear there is potential for a sexual relationship
pornography
romantic and/or sexual liaison with someone other than your partner

Trust is damaged by dishonesty

Dishonesty is not only what you say; it can also be what you do not say.

Silence speaks. Withholding information is a form of dishonesty.

“How long is this going to take?

I’ve told her that I’m sorry but I feel like she’s never going to trust me again.”

It Takes Two

A key piece of moving forward is the willingness of both partners, not just one, to work on the repair of your relationship.

When YOU have Damaged the Trust in your Relationship

You may be eager to be forgiven and ready to move on before your partner is ready to start the repair process. Recognize that patience is part of the restoration process.

Your partner may need time to grieve what has been lost before being ready to move on.

This waiting period is a time for you to put change in place and guard against a repeat offence. As you initiate these changes, communicate them to your partner and ask to be held accountable.

When YOUR PARTNER has Damaged the Trust in your Relationship

You will want to think through whether your partner is capable of being trusted again.

Is this a first offence or a pattern?
What steps is your partner taking to find the root of the problem and address it for permanent, rather than temporary change?
What measures is your partner taking to avoid a repeat offence?

You may feel you were foolish for trusting in the first place, and vow never to be "duped" again by naiveté. This can result in watchful suspicion, and while that may be an expected consequence for a time following the breach, it is not a healthy relationship pattern going forward.

Both Partners

Both of you must be willing to reflect on any part you played in the breakdown of trust, and be responsible to make changes in yourself and your actions with the goal of a healed and healthy relationship.

“What’s next?”

Restored is Not the Same as Never Happened

Broken trust is often the visible evidence of something under the surface that is unwell. It may be helpful to think of it as the eruption of a hidden infection.

While painful, if both parties are willing to work at healing the root cause, relationships can emerge stronger from broken trust.

Stronger; not the same, as before.

There is Hope

One of the key requirements for restoring trust is transparency. Transparency requires communication.

Transparent, communicative relationships tend to be healthy, strong relationships.

When YOU have Damaged the Trust in your Relationship

You will need to develop new habits which may include, for example, committing to checking in regularly and often, or verbalizing what you are looking at on your phone, and who you are texting.

These pieces of transparency should be discussed together.

Don't view this as your partner "checking up on you". Offer it as a steady and faithful gift that communicates:

"I don't want you to have to ask."
"I don't want you to worry."
"I want to be accountable."

These habits are a regular, ongoing part of strong relationships.

When YOUR PARTNER has Damaged the Trust in your Relationship

Acknowledge that although you may not be ready to forgive, that does not mean that your partner is not sorry.

You may be tempted to withdraw in anger, or hurt your partner back to punish them. You may be tempted to dig up the past repeatedly.

While these feelings are understandable, they result in alienation, not healing. They don't achieve a positive outcome for anyone involved.

When you strive to forgive (and forgiveness often comes incrementally), it is for the benefit of both of you, as well as for any children impacted by your relationship.

Forgiveness is not the same as saying that what someone did is okay. Forgiveness is saying, "You made a mistake. Who we are as a couple (or a family) is bigger than what happened.