"I don't trust you anymore."
Whether the words are spoken aloud or carried in the heart of one of the partners, broken trust is a challenge from which couples need to recover in order to have a healthy relationship.
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transcript (without graphics)
The Cost of Broken Trust
When trust is broken, both partners in a romantic relationship suffer.
The relationship itself also suffers - sometimes to the point of breaking.
“I don’t trust you anymore.”
Whether the words are spoken aloud or carried in the heart of one of the partners, broken trust is a challenge from which couples need to recover in order to have a healthy relationship.
So, the question is… is there hope for renewal when trust has been broken?
Before we attempt to answer that question, let’s look at some of the many ways trust is damaged in relationships.
Trust is damaged by not keeping your word
Do you come home when you say you will?
Do you do what you say you will do?
Do you do things when you say you will do them?
Have you stopped doing the things you say you no longer do?
There are many reasons you might not keep your word such as:
substance abuse
conflict avoidance
poor self-discipline
a need for better boundaries with others who may be imposing their interests on you
blatant disregard for others
habit of lying
forgetfulness
These are not excuses. They are reasons - each of which may involve many layers and ought to be addressed.
If your partner cannot trust your word - you are diminishing their capacity to trust you.
Trust is damaged by unsafe behaviour
Trust is damaged by infidelity
Trust is damaged by dishonesty
“How long is this going to take?
I’ve told her that I’m sorry but I feel like she’s never going to trust me again.”
It Takes Two
A key piece of moving forward is the willingness of both partners, not just one, to work on the repair of your relationship.
When YOU have Damaged the Trust in your Relationship
You may be eager to be forgiven and ready to move on before your partner is ready to start the repair process. Recognize that patience is part of the restoration process.
Your partner may need time to grieve what has been lost before being ready to move on.
This waiting period is a time for you to put change in place and guard against a repeat offence. As you initiate these changes, communicate them to your partner and ask to be held accountable.
When YOUR PARTNER has Damaged the Trust in your Relationship
Both Partners
“What’s next?”
Restored is Not the Same as Never Happened
Broken trust is often the visible evidence of something under the surface that is unwell. It may be helpful to think of it as the eruption of a hidden infection.
While painful, if both parties are willing to work at healing the root cause, relationships can emerge stronger from broken trust.
Stronger; not the same, as before.
There is Hope
One of the key requirements for restoring trust is transparency. Transparency requires communication.
Transparent, communicative relationships tend to be healthy, strong relationships.
When YOU have Damaged the Trust in your Relationship
You will need to develop new habits which may include, for example, committing to checking in regularly and often, or verbalizing what you are looking at on your phone, and who you are texting.
These pieces of transparency should be discussed together.
Don't view this as your partner "checking up on you". Offer it as a steady and faithful gift that communicates:
"I don't want you to have to ask."
"I don't want you to worry."
"I want to be accountable."
These habits are a regular, ongoing part of strong relationships.
When YOUR PARTNER has Damaged the Trust in your Relationship
Both Partners
Healthy relationships do not have secrets
Healthy relationships are transparent
Healthy relationships include open communication
non-AI generated content
cover photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
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